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A National Guard Mom - Part 3
The last part of my friend’s Three Part Series. I have a disclaimer here - I am no Angel! We helped each other, we decided that if we couldn’t get the support we needed from the official channels, we’d do it OURSELVES - we found like minded people, and supported each other. There are GOOD FRGs, and they are a great place to start - but if you can’t find one - get up off the couch, and do it yourself, there will be others like you to join with. LAW
Ok back to my lament…….
To prepare us all for the Unit deployment, the NG had all soldiers, and families come into an informational meeting. They invited anyone that wanted information on what was about to happen to these young men and women. They talked about the war and the jobs our soldiers would be doing, how they had been well trained to do them and how proud they were of each and every one of them. We listened and took notes, collected fliers but really never got any answers about what we were to do after they left. I am a very “jump in and do what ever needs to get done to support them” type of person but nothing was even mentioned about how we could help.
Now the military, as many of you have found out, talks and works in a special code only they are able to decipher. Lots of letters for departments and programs -all of which not only have names we never hear as civilians but if you get them out of order you could be ordering a tank for your front yard. We were given numbers of places to call for support but the numbers were bad or not the “correct” department and after being transferred over and over again I gave up.
Nick was part of an advance group who went to Mississippi ahead of the big group to set up. There was no good-bye ceremony, no news crews there, just a bus in the middle of the night in an empty parking lot. “Good bye son” on the bus and he was gone. My heart died that night, it was ripped from my body and sent to war.
He spent the next weeks in Mississippi getting ready for the larger group to come down and they were also helping the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. When the bigger group got there he helped them process in and was told to make sure each soldier has the information for the “FRG” and that he should encourage them to tell their families to join. He passed the information to his wife and then she told me so we could also join and to get me off his back constantly asking for what I could do. We called got the information for the first FRG meeting and Myself, Renee (Nick’s wife) my husband and my parents went in to finally get the information we needed to not only help our selves but to support our troops.
We were introduced to our “FRG Leader” who was the wife of the first sergeant serving with our boys and girls. She was with a person from the state level FRG, and we were told there were different groups all over the state. She talked about many things which frankly went right over my head, we are not in the military and don’t speak Army so we were a bit lost. We were asked to join in and help organize the group and asked if we had any ideas to help keep the families connected. We offered our suggestions which were for the most part ignored, and dismissed until our next meeting.
To make a really long rather nasty experience shorter we gave up after just a couple of meetings. As a family we were ignored and made to feel as outsiders, as we were not part of the unit our leader was most connected with. When our son called to say he had been told to have his Mom back off, that was it. Our last meeting was a Christmas Party (we only went because my grandson was registered a long time ago) at an Armory where not only did we get to sit in a gym with a bunch of tables, no one knew where to go or what to do they just sat there, nothing for the babies to do and no one was trying to greet anyone, it to say the least was a total disaster. We were about to leave when we were blessed with a guardian angel, she came up to us and said “hey I know you”. It turned out to be one of the other wives that had been at the awful first meeting and recognized me as being the one who every time I made a suggestion it was shot down. She had been treated the same way.
Now not to toot my own horn or anything but I do this kind of stuff for a living - organizing, fund raising, and group events, and I am very successful at it as well. (I can witness to that - LAW) So when I made suggestions they were not made without thought and consideration. I was more than willing to donate as much time and effort to help out but no one ever even bothered to call me back.
The angel had given me her number and e-mail address and after some great sharing of information (she was a “lifers” wife….. yahoo someone to help me, who knew the magic codes, she was fluent in Army) we talked about the experience of the “FRG” (Family Readiness Group for those who do not know) and I was floored to find out just how the rest of the families were being treated. People were told they were not welcome in the group, one person had no family here and was very alone, and this cruel rejection darn near did her in. Now I am not going to go into the whole mess but leave it that out of the over 300 families that were assigned to our group we never had more than handful of people at the meeting and near the end there were only 3 or 4 people including the leader that showed up each month.
I found this very sad, there was so much I wanted to do and be a part of here to let the unit know that not only did we support them but we were here for there families anytime they needed anything. So with the help of our Angel we started our own group (and we invited everyone to join no matter what, even the leader from the old group came and helped) we called our selves “RHSC” (Red Headed Step Children) and we did things that made me proud and I felt like I actually counted and mattered. We sent over 3000 cookies for Christmas, we sent 5000 thanksgiving cards that were made by area school children, we made trips to the VA here, and we held each other up and always had each others backs.
Many soldiers talk about the friendships they make while in a war, but we made the same connections here. I would not have made it without these friends and I will love them until the day I die, I owe them everything and no matter how many miles apart or years that go by all any of them ever have to do is to call and they know I will drop everything to be there.
So my message to all of you - is you are never alone in this and if you are in need ask. Start a small group with someone else in your area, call another group like Blue star moms (they will also help everyone not just Moms), ask at the unit headquarters; call the chaplains connected to your unit. Post a blog on this site and you will get answers. You never have to face the fears of knocks on the door, phone calls in the middle of the night or that ache in your hear that just won’t go away. Do not, and I can not say this loud enough DO NOT sit at home and get lost in the grief. We are here for you, arms wide open!
I want to thank my angel she saved us, and we saved each other. I love you my friend and am so proud to have you on my side!
CHRISTMAS & HOLIDAY PACKAGES FOR THE TROOPS
Shipping deadlines are approaching and my site meter over at Some Soldier’s Mom is filled with people searching for suggestions and information on gifts, shipping information and deadlines for holiday packages, so I put up my annual post… over at Some Soldier’s Mom.
Presenting - our newest author - A Proud Soldier’s Mom
Sometimes it’s a little difficult being a Soldiers mom. He calls and forgets that I work during the day but that’s the only time he has to call. He forgets the time difference. So, now, when he calls, I take my break no matter what time of the day it is or what I am doing and believe me, right in the middle of reconciling the company bank account or invoicing customers it can take me a while to get back into the work groove. I find that my mind wanders after his phone calls because I’m busy looking at his picture on my desk of him in his uniform on boot camp graduation day. Some times he calls early in the morning, and when I say early, I mean 12:45 a.m. (last week to let me know he reenlisted) but today it was 6:20 a.m. and I should have already been awake getting ready for work. He was worried today, he hasn’t been able to get a hold of his wife who I had to drive over to and wake her up so she would recharge her cell phone to get the call. This is the fastest I have gotten ready in a long time too. So out I ran, wet hair, minimal makeup (I refuse to go out in public without at least mascara) to go wake her up. Thank goodness she just lives a couple of blocks away. He finally got through to her.
When he first enlisted it was hard for me because I knew what was coming with deployment. I wasn’t really thrilled but he has wanted to be a soldier since he was about 3 years old. My daughter-in-law and I flew over to see him graduate from boot camp which was really pretty cool. I was happy to see him and get to a Waffle House again! I miss both of them, but him more of course!!! The whole time though, my stomach was not doing so well. And then the nightmares started. When I say nightmares, what I mean is not really bad dreams but dreams I don’t remember but I would wake up with a wet face from crying in my sleep. A couple of times my youngest son would come in and wake me up because he could hear me talking in my sleep and crying-I didn’t remember a thing of what it was about. I went to the doctor because I was having little ailments for a while. The aching hip, constantly tired, crying for no reason, forgetting what I went to the store for, little things like that. Imagine, being pre-menopausal AND having your baby going through this. So, after bursting out in tears at the doctors office she prescribed something to help me sleep which I’m happy to say I haven’t had to take for about 7 months. Then there were the panic attacks at night when I would finally relax enough to go to sleep only to be awakened feeling claustrophobic so I used an inhaler once or twice. I found that breathing the cool night air helps a lot. So does meditating.
I think of the days when he was born and in intensive care at Stanford Hospital because of the knot in the umbilical cord and waiting to make sure he would okay. I think of all of the times he played soldier, superman and with his Thunder Cats. The days of Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, girlfriends, he and his friends having parties when we would go out of town thinking I didn’t notice how clean the house was when we got home. I think of the times he would fight with his younger brothers just because he could. I miss those days. But now he’s a daddy and I’m a grandma! Time sure flew by quickly. Too quickly.
I look forward to his messages that he emails me when he can, and the phone calls are cherished because I get to hear his voice. He tells me his worries, accomplishments and what he needs followed up with here at home. I tell him I love him and that the Angels are watching over him. No matter what I always tell him that everything is fine here at home. That his brothers are fine, grandma is doing well and we can’t wait to see him. He has enough to do and to worry about.
When he was able to come home last Christmas I was so happy to see him I started crying, so did he. I made everyone wait to open presents because we needed to have the whole family here. At 9:38 p.m. I heard those Army boots pounding up the steps and I was up off the couch reaching for the door just as he was bursting through it! I will never forget that evening. We won’t be able to see him this Christmas but maybe soon after, we’ll see what happens.
So, now I’m not just a mom anymore, I’m also the mom of an American Soldier. I hang my Blue Star Flag in my front window and I couldn’t be prouder!
Mamaw
Worry… We Worry
Last night on SpouseBuzz Radio, two of my fellow contributors here at Parents Zone and I talked with AF Wife about what it’s like to have a child in the military and the fear we feel for our adult children (LAW and I managed to monopolize the conversation and Tammy, we sooo need to make this up to you!!) In the 4 years that I have been blogging and through Lord knows how many troop rotations to Iraq and Afghanistan (I don’t think they’re adding numbers to the OIF____ label anymore), I realize and completely accept that it’s universal. Every parent has the same fear for their child/children… and it doesn’t make a difference whether it’s their first deployment or their third. We worry.
Back in December 2004 — before my son even left for his deployment to Iraq — I wrote a blog post about how You Always Worry and talked about how our worry changes as our children grow… as they learned to walk, to run, to ride, to drive… I was talking with a dear, close friend whose Army National Guard son is scheduled for his second deployment to Iraq in 2009 and who recently learned that his unit might go months earlier than originally scheduled. You could hear the worry in her voice and we talked about “the last time” when both our sons were deployed at the same time. I went back and read some of my blog posts back during that deployment, and I discovered how often worry was a topic. Just weeks before my son was wounded, I explained:
It’s a constant 24 hour a day worry that wears on you, grates on you, weighs on you. It’s physically and mentally exhausting. I don’t always realize it but sometimes I wonder why I’m so tired some nights or why I can’t sleep most nights… It’s the worry. The wear and tear of it. It’s like the drone of a motor always on or the hum from fluorescent lights… always there… always present… even when you’re doing other things or thinking other thoughts… it’s THERE. The worry is always there. I know other moms and dads and wives and husbands and sisters and brothers will understand what I mean.
Last year I was speaking with a Major General who is the son of a retired Army Colonel and who is also the father of a fairly new Army Lieutenant. He told me that he had been in the Army 32 years and married for 31 of those… and through his many deployments over his career, he always told his family not to worry as he waved goodbye for one assignment or another to dangerous parts of the globe… but he said it was a whole new world when it was he who stood on the front porch as his own son told him not to worry as he left for his first deployment to Iraq… he told me that sending his child off to war was the hardest thing he had ever done.
So, while the media may be ignoring the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (unless, of course, there is some political point to be made), I know in hearing from parents, spouses, friends and families of our Soldiers and Marines that these are still universal emotions for the families of those who serve. And it matters not whether our children are single, married, divorced, have children of their own… parents STILL worry.
I also know from experience, that a burden shared, is a burden lightened. I know that right now people are consumed with worry about the economy and the election… Lord knows there is plenty of worry to go around. I just ask you to take a moment and remember our troops deployed around the world, about to be deployed and those who are home (because we know that for some the battle doesn’t end on the battlefield)… say a prayer, have a good thought, generate positive energy — whatever it is you do…. remember our Guys… and their families…. thank a veteran… say a kind word… call someone you know who is worrying. It will make your day.
x-posted at Some Soldier’s Mom
Homecoming!!!
My son, Cpl. Dark Prince, USMCR, deployed in March of this year. That day of deployment, as many of you have experienced, is the lowest point in a mil parent’s life. It just sucks like a Dyson, doesn’t it? You are right at the beginning of a deployment. The clock has just started but (thank God) it has FINALLY started!! You walk away after saying goodbye to your son or daughter thinking something like “Well..I don’t have to live that moment again.. at least for now.”
But at the other end of the deployment, there be dragons as well….
For starters, you end up playing homecoming date roulette with your Family Readiness Group/Family Readiness Officer. There’s a “window” of homecoming. That window can be as long as 7 days or as small as two but the bottom line is that nobody really knows when EXACTLY your loved one is coming home at the beginning of the homecoming phase.. It wreaks havoc on those who are coming in from out of state and trying to make hotel/flight reservations. For this deployment, we are in that category. It’s frustrating but trust me…everyone else is frustrated as well. If you are dealing with this right now or soon to be dealing with this, you’re in good company. We all are playing on that roulette wheel.
If you are traveling to a homecoming, make sure that you have the FRG/FRO/Battalion contact phone number. This will be your lifeline once you get to where you’re going and awaiting your loved one doing the same. They will have the latest updates/ changes in times and locations, etc. Tattoo that damned number on your arm if need be but make sure you have it.
Be flexible. In the Marine Corps, we refer to this as Semper Gumby. I know that’s an easy thing to type and I also know that’s not an easy thing to do You.still.have.to.do.it. Things change. Quickly. Be ready for that. As sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, things will change. It’s the one thing you can count on.
Between now and the actual homecoming, there are things that you can do to keep busy. Make a welcome home sign for your son or daughter. I’ve seen some very clever signs so I’m a little intimidated as I contemplate what I want to put on a sign to welcome my son home. I’m not very artistic so if you saw a cute sign at a homecoming, comment here and let me know. I don’t mind being a copycat. I just mind not having a cool sign.
Get with your FRG/FRO and see if they need folks to make the beds in the barracks for the guys coming back. Seriously, if you just got off a 30+ hour flight from Kuwait..the last thing you want to do is make your own bed. This is something that we as milparents/families can do to help welcome our guys home. It doesn’t take long but it does help pass the time as you wait for your loved one to come home.
If your child left all of his civilian clothes at home (mine did as well as giving me some clothes that had been cooking in his room for several days before he left..ugghh!!) , you might want to consider bringing some of them down to him/her. They will just love getting out of their utilities/cammies.
Most importantly, savor the moment of homecoming. You have earned this moment too. Don’t dwell on the stuff you didn’t do or the problems that you had with the deployment. Those are things for another day. On the day of homecoming, pat yourself on the back for surviving and hug your child. Hard. Close. Revel in the moment. There are few moments as joyous as this one.
Urrahhh!!! Hooaahhh!!!, etc…..
FRG - Family Readiness Group - is it for Parents?
I’d love to say - YES! But sometimes it’s not. First of all, FRG = Family Readiness Group. These are designed to assist families, either when deployed, or at home. They are usually designed for spouses but there have been many parents who are members of their servicemember’s FRG.
I’ve been asked what they do, and how they work. The first and most important point - your servicemember has to get your name on the list! Before you deploy - he or she MUST put the name of the person he wants to receive information on a list. Without your soldier doing that - you will not get the information, you will not be allowed to get it either! Privacy issues are paramount. You have to make sure your servicemember lists your name, phone number and addresses (both email and snail) with the FRG. This is the ONLY way you will get actual information.
Once you are on that list - make sure the FRG leader (who is usually a volunteer or a group of volunteers) know that you want to be active, that you want to help. Personally, I never had any contact with my son’s FRG - and the FRG at my husband’s unit for his first deployment was horrendous - so we made our own group. I hope you will be active in whatever group you join.
IF you are involved with the FRG of your son’s unit - please let us know how it’s working, how you became involved.
LAW
Deployment announcements and checklists.
Yesterday, we told my parents that my husband was deploying again. I flashed back to when our son called from Germany to tell us that his unit was going to Iraq. This was in 2003-2004, when we were still sending baby wipes because there weren’t any bases set up on Balad or Baghdad, no PX facilities, the mail took 3-4 weeks to get there! I remember sliding onto the floor and weeping uncontrollably. The call I made to his grandparents was one of the hardest things I had to do at that point and since my husband was on his way to Bosnia - well, it wasn’t the best few months of my life!
My husband, this time, went for the casual approach and it worked this time. How have you told your family, that your child is deploying down range, or did you leave it up to the child?
The Checklist - We are starting to go through the deployment checklist - ours is from experience, but there are some good sites to visit if you need them. One is at Military.com and this reservist list is a great place to start as well, as is this site called Hooah4health These all seem to be for spouses, so one of our tasks might be doing one for the Single Soldier. If you have one, that you use or have used for your single soldier, please send it along. But even if your soldier child is married, ask them if they want to send you a copy of the documents (on a disk or in a sealed envelope, privacy issues can be something a spouse might worry about) for you to keep in a safe place. Having gone through a flooded basement and since we are in the midst of hurricane season, I know how easy it is to lose important papers and have been grateful for the “spare set” we sent to the folks!
As always - remember that you are not alone in this “adventure”, and if you need a shoulder, or have any questions, we are here, we understand and there are NO dumb questions.
LAW
