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The Importance of Receiving Help – and How to Ask for It

February 17, 2012 · Filed Under Family, Health, Military Resource · Comment

A hand of help

Sometimes the act of asking for help can be more difficult than just doing the task yourself. Military families are not strangers to adjusting family roles and taking on extra responsibilities, especially during times of deployment. Asking for help and allowing yourself to receive help can be two of the most challenging aspects of adjusting your life while your soldier is deployed. There are several reasons why it is important to share your burdens, and ways to go about it that won’t leave you feeling helpless or alone.

Why Accept Help?

Whether you are the spouse, sibling, child, or parent of a soldier, your life alters when your soldier is deployed. The contributions your soldier would typically make at home, both tangible and emotional, can’t easily be replaced. However, allowing those around you to help you not only eases your responsibility load, but it can give someone who is helping a feeling of contributing to more than just your family. For those people without loved ones in the military, assisting those who do have soldiers in their lives can be one way they are able to support military families and the troops. Perhaps one of the biggest reasons of all, though, why accepting help is a positive thing, is that it will give peace of mind to your soldier to know that you are not alone and that you are supported.

How Can You Ask for Help and Receive It?

First and foremost, don’t just dismiss offers of help or generosity. You don’t need to accept on the spot, but you can let the person know that you appreciate the kindness and that there might be a time in the future when you need the help. You can even ask what the best way is to get ahold of them – phone, email, or other – so that if the need arises you have some way of reaching them and accepting help.

When someone says, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” you might be tempted to shout, “Make this deployment over today!” However, try to refrain asking nearly the impossible, and instead find some little ways that others might help ease your stress level. These things might be:

Drive the kids to practice one day a week.
Provide a meal one day a week.
Help with a home maintenance project, even as simple as rearranging furniture.
Assist with yard work.
Help with pet care – walking the dog and checking in on pets can be ways for even kids to help share the responsibilities at home.
Be available to listen to the stress so you don’t have to dump on the kids or someone who is going through the same stresses as you are already.
The list goes on and on!

You can even keep a list handy of “one time” things that you need help with that normally your soldier would be there to do. Keep another list of people who you know are willing to help with certain tasks, and one more list of people who have simply offered to do anything. Even though you might never call upon these people, having the tangible proof that you are surrounded by support can ease stress.

It is important to remember that even if someone hasn’t offered to help, it doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t ask. Sometimes people are just waiting for the invitation because they don’t want to offend you and present an image that they don’t think you are capable. You can also seek out other sources of support from places such as:

Churches
Community outreach programs
Neighborhood groups
Online forums
Military resources
Family
Co-workers

Asking for help is not easy for most people, but if we can pay it forward and offer help to others, sometimes that action allows us to accept help at some point in our own lives. In the end it is much better to swallow a little pride, accept the generosity of friends and strangers alike, and take care of yourself as your soldier would want to be able to take care of you.

Photo credit: Tom

Tags: Asking for help, Deployment, health, Stress

Retroactive Stop Loss Special Pay

October 20, 2009 · Filed Under Deployment, Military News, Military Resource, Rules & Regulations, Some Soldier's Mom, This & That, Veterans · 11 Comments

Retroactive Stop Loss Special Pay

What is it?

Soldiers, veterans and survivors of those whose service was involuntarily extended under Stop Loss between September 11, 2001 and September 30, 2008 can apply to receive $500 for every month, or portion of a month, they served under Stop Loss. The 2009 War Supplemental Appropriations Act established and largely funded the payment for all military services, but dictated that each service process and pay their own applicants. The Army estimates that 136,000 of the approximately 174,000 eligible servicemembers served in the Army.

What has the Army done?

The Army has created an application process for active-and-reserve component Soldiers, veterans, and survivors of Soldiers to process claims for Retroactive Stop Loss Special Pay. By law, the Army can only accept claims between October 21, 2009 and October 21, 2010. Eligible candidates must submit their request within this time frame, or the Army will not be able to process their request. The Army has set up an email address to field questions people have regarding the benefit.

How can people apply?

Candidates for Retroactive Stop Loss Special Pay must submit a claim at Retroactive Stop Loss Web site . This Web site is the preferred method for submitting applications; however, other means for doing so, such as by mail or fax, will be available to those without access to computers. Additional communications will provide instructions for alternative forms of submission. During the application process, candidates will be asked to show documentation that indicates the time they served under Stop Loss. The necessary documentation, depending on their type of service, includes the following:

Enlisted Soldiers need to present their DD Form 214 and DD Form 4 Enlistment/Reenlistment/Extension contract(s).

Enlisted Soldiers who were in an indefinite status need a memorandum showing retirement/separation request was denied or an approved retirement/ separation was amended.

Officers need a DD Form 214 and memorandum showing Retirement/ Separation request was denied or an approved retirement/separation was amended.

National Guard Soldiers need to show DA Form 4187 for Stop Loss adjustment of ETS, separation documentation NGB Form 22, and/or NGB Form 1966.

What continued efforts does the Army have planned for the future?

The Army will review, process and pay qualified candidates as they submit their applications at Retroactive Stop Loss Web site. Candidates who meet the criteria and show the required documentation will receive their retroactive payment in a one lump sum. The Army will not accept applications submitted after October 21, 2010.

Resources: Retroactive Stop Loss Web site

Tags:

Soldiers Have Parents??

July 11, 2009 · Filed Under Basic Training, Blue Star Moms, Care Packages, Deployment, Military News, Military Parents, Military Resource, National Guard Parents, Parents News, Some Soldier's Mom · 5 Comments

We are a military family. All three of our sons enlisted while they were single (unmarried) and many of “Our Guys” (soldiers we consider family) have also been single. As a result, I have from time to time done some complaining about how about half of Army soldiers are UNmarried but that “family” resources and information were principally for spouses — parents left out of the loop. (I actually asked what was being done for the “other half” of the Army while participating in a blogger’s roundtable that included the Secretary of the Army…)

While recently cruising the Army Home Page on Military OneSource, I was pleased to see the following prominently featured on the page:

New to the Army? Help Keep Your Parents in the Loop

If you’ve just joined the Army and your parents aren’t familiar with military life, keep them in the loop with these materials:

Resources for Parents of Soldiers

When Your Son or Daughter Goes Through Basic Combat Training

I don’t know how long that’s been up there and I’m sure the Army didn’t need any prodding from parents… however it got there and however long it’s been there, THANK YOU!!

The information under “When Your Son or Daughter…” is pretty basic (it’s a starting point), but you should also seek out additional information from sites specific to the military installation/branch of service where your child is undergoing training.

The “Resources…” page provides links to official and unofficial web sites that you might, as a parent, find useful, but also be sure to check out blogs like ParentsZone.org and other military blogs (“Milblogs” — you can find blogs by branch of service as well as those blogs by parents at www.milblogging.com).

As the parent of a soldier, you should become familiar with some of the other resource information contained on other Army and Dept. of Defense sites for future reference… such as the Army Well-Being site and the Military Homefront page.

I’d really like the Army and the other services to produce content specific to parents (or non-spousal family) with the idea that these people are usually remote (away) from their soldier’s military installation and typically have no idea how to contact the installation or chain of command (or even who that might be) in an emergency… or what resources are available to their soldier/sailor/marine/airman/coastie or to the family member (be that a parent, aunt, uncle, sister or brother…) when faced with serious issues involving their child (for example, post-deployment issues). (And, yes, I know that there are those who actually joined the military to AVOID their parents… but every soldier has a next-of-kin somewhere — that are not “in the loop” but should be!)

I did also find some parent-related information for the other services (some official, some unofficial):

for Parents of Marines
A Parent’s Guide to the Marine Corps
USMC – Recruit Training
Marine Parents.com

For Navy Parents
Navy for Moms
Navy Dads

For Air Force Parents
Parents of the Enlisted

AF — you could do better… information or links for parents could easily be added to AFCrossroads.

For Coast Guard Parents (nice job CG!!)

For National Guard Families

General informational links for all branches, Guard and Reserves at Today’s Military and Military.com

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“Mommy, where is my daddy?” April is Military Child Month.

April 17, 2009 · Filed Under Military Parents, Military Resource, This & That · 4 Comments

My grandson will turn three in June, he frequently is asking now: “Where’s Daddy?” “When is Daddy going to take me swimming?” “I miss Daddy”. “Mommy, why isn’t Daddy here?”

When my daughter-in-law told me this, it broke my heart. She tries very hard not to cry in front of the baby because she knows he’s too little to understand how much mommies miss daddies too. She is also worried how they should handle yet another good-bye when my son has to return back to Iraq after R&R.

What is the right thing to do? Take him to the airport so he can give his Daddy one more hug? Leave him at home with Grandmom and Grandpop taking away one more precious Daddy and son moment?

One of the most moving photographs I have of them was taken the morning my son left to Iraq (last deployment) back in 2006. My daughter-in-law, holding the baby (then only 3 months old) sleeping peacefully, my son crisp in a brand new ACU, hair freshly cut, paratrooper fade, scarlet airborne beret in one hand and his other hand gently touching the baby’s head with a look on his face that still brings tears to my eyes today.

How do you explain the complexities of the world to a young child? Base after base, in every branch of the armed services, this same picture appears in the photo albums of all military families. It doesn’t matter the child’s age; every phase of childhood development presents a challenge to the military family.

Military children face many challenges, additionally increased stress related to deployments, less time spent with a parent or sometimes both and frequent moves.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about the Sesame Street Program on military families. Below, you will find an annotated list of resources, each was examined and annotated (author’s notes and additions].

I would like to thank my fellow blogger “militaryhealth” (DoD, Military Health System Website) for the website I based this list on and dug in deeper for even more sources. These resources will give you tools and valuable information on what you can do to help your child overcome the unique challenges associated with military life. This post will be abbreviated(otherwise it would be way too long for the blog) and graphics reduced in size. You may view the complete/list plus my additions on my page in examiner.com (I am the Military Health Examiner, Miami) or on my blog (“military health matters, the blog”) or the “Families and Children” Page on Military Health Matters Resource Center.) Some of the descriptions have been taken from the US Department of Defense, Military Health System, “Kids Corner” Web page, some I have added/annotated, others I have abbreviated for the purpose of this post].

For Kids:

Kids.gov – An official U.S. government kids’ portal that provides resources to children and parents, and contains a variety of interesting and educational content for kids. Kids.gov links to over 1,200 web pages from government agencies, schools, and educational organizations.

America Supports You – Kids Take Action – Find out how kids like you are supporting our American troops.

CIA’s Parents & Teachers Page – This section gives you additional resources, lesson plans, and discussion points for you and your children/students to learn more about the CIA and its history of intelligence. [There are other CIA pages for Grades: K-5th and Grades 6th - 12th).]

FBI Working Dogs – The FBI has some very special working dogs. Power is the newest addition to the group of Working Dogs at FBI Headquarters. His job as a Chemical Explosives Dog is to sniff out bombs, explosion debris, firearms, and ammunition. Other FBI Working Dogs find drugs, money, and people. Just how do they do it? There are additional pages, Grades K-5 and Grades 6-12.

Special Needs – Military Homefront – Resources for special needs children from military families — newsletter subscription, mentoring groups, Webinars, resources, checklists, advocates, support programs and more.

Veterans History Project – (Library of Congress) – The Veterans History Project relies on volunteers to collect and preserve stories of wartime service. You can browse the first-hand accounts from veterans of some of the wars America fought in. (Also has Youth Resources Pages).

MTOM – MTOM for Kids provides information to help children successfully make the transition when their family moves. The site covers saying goodbye, how to move and being a kid. Sections are divided for younger children and teens.

Deployment Kids – Deployment Kids offers children’s activities related to deployment, including downloads, a distance calculator, journals and games. Really Cool downloads!!

Wacky Grownups! A great section for kids to understand how grown-ups feel during their loved ones deployment.

VA Kids – VA Kids offers a variety of games, resources, scholarship information and links for students in grades K through fifth and sixth through twelfth. Information is also provided for teachers, grades K-5, 6-12.

For Parents:

American Academy of Pediatrics - The American Academy of Pediatrics Military Youth Deployment Support Web site has been designed to support military youth, families, and the youth serving professionals caring for this population.

Our Military Kids – Provides support to the children of deployed and severely injured National Guard and Military Reserve service members. The site provides activities and tutoring that nurture and sustain children while their parents serve.

National Military Family Association – The NMFA educates military families about their rights, benefits and services available to them, and provides information regarding the issues that affect their lives. Excellent, information for all age children, teens, and spouses.

Operation Military Kids – Operation Military Kids is the U.S. Army’s collaborative effort with America’s communities to support children and youth impacted by deployment.
Excellent, with podcasts and YouTube presentations.
Military Child – Military Child Education Coalition is a non-profit organization that identifies and addresses the challenges facing the highly mobile military child.

Excellent resource: Publications : SchoolQuest; Military Parent Information; Child and Student Programs; Education, Training, and Resources; Coalition Partnerships; Blogs

Connect For Kids – Connect for Kids gives its Web site visitors the information and tools they need to learn about issues affecting children, families, and communities.

Transforming Kids’ Lives Through Free Arts Programs: Founded in 2001, ARTS is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization driven by people who believe in the power of the arts to heal, inspire and empower **check this site, has a form for children to communicate with their deployed fathers.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration – SAMHSA focuses on building resilience and facilitating recovery for people with or at risk for mental or substance use disorders.

For Professionals:

Zero to Three – Zero to Three informs, trains and supports professionals, policymakers and parents in their efforts to improve the lives of infants and toddlers. ZERO TO THREE Fact Sheet >Alerts of new content in the Zero to Three Journal

Military K-12 Partners – References and information for K-12 military education partners. Be sure to check out References & Guides and provides additional excellent resources! Military Life & Culture (2nd set of resources on page), includes studies and reports, legislative information, and a section on Grants & Funding.