The last part of my friend’s Three Part Series. I have a disclaimer here - I am no Angel! We helped each other, we decided that if we couldn’t get the support we needed from the official channels, we’d do it OURSELVES - we found like minded people, and supported each other. There are GOOD FRGs, and they are a great place to start - but if you can’t find one - get up off the couch, and do it yourself, there will be others like you to join with. LAW
Ok back to my lament…….
To prepare us all for the Unit deployment, the NG had all soldiers, and families come into an informational meeting. They invited anyone that wanted information on what was about to happen to these young men and women. They talked about the war and the jobs our soldiers would be doing, how they had been well trained to do them and how proud they were of each and every one of them. We listened and took notes, collected fliers but really never got any answers about what we were to do after they left. I am a very “jump in and do what ever needs to get done to support them” type of person but nothing was even mentioned about how we could help.
Now the military, as many of you have found out, talks and works in a special code only they are able to decipher. Lots of letters for departments and programs -all of which not only have names we never hear as civilians but if you get them out of order you could be ordering a tank for your front yard. We were given numbers of places to call for support but the numbers were bad or not the “correct” department and after being transferred over and over again I gave up.
Nick was part of an advance group who went to Mississippi ahead of the big group to set up. There was no good-bye ceremony, no news crews there, just a bus in the middle of the night in an empty parking lot. “Good bye son” on the bus and he was gone. My heart died that night, it was ripped from my body and sent to war.
He spent the next weeks in Mississippi getting ready for the larger group to come down and they were also helping the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. When the bigger group got there he helped them process in and was told to make sure each soldier has the information for the “FRG” and that he should encourage them to tell their families to join. He passed the information to his wife and then she told me so we could also join and to get me off his back constantly asking for what I could do. We called got the information for the first FRG meeting and Myself, Renee (Nick’s wife) my husband and my parents went in to finally get the information we needed to not only help our selves but to support our troops.
We were introduced to our “FRG Leader” who was the wife of the first sergeant serving with our boys and girls. She was with a person from the state level FRG, and we were told there were different groups all over the state. She talked about many things which frankly went right over my head, we are not in the military and don’t speak Army so we were a bit lost. We were asked to join in and help organize the group and asked if we had any ideas to help keep the families connected. We offered our suggestions which were for the most part ignored, and dismissed until our next meeting.
To make a really long rather nasty experience shorter we gave up after just a couple of meetings. As a family we were ignored and made to feel as outsiders, as we were not part of the unit our leader was most connected with. When our son called to say he had been told to have his Mom back off, that was it. Our last meeting was a Christmas Party (we only went because my grandson was registered a long time ago) at an Armory where not only did we get to sit in a gym with a bunch of tables, no one knew where to go or what to do they just sat there, nothing for the babies to do and no one was trying to greet anyone, it to say the least was a total disaster. We were about to leave when we were blessed with a guardian angel, she came up to us and said “hey I know you”. It turned out to be one of the other wives that had been at the awful first meeting and recognized me as being the one who every time I made a suggestion it was shot down. She had been treated the same way.
Now not to toot my own horn or anything but I do this kind of stuff for a living - organizing, fund raising, and group events, and I am very successful at it as well. (I can witness to that - LAW) So when I made suggestions they were not made without thought and consideration. I was more than willing to donate as much time and effort to help out but no one ever even bothered to call me back.
The angel had given me her number and e-mail address and after some great sharing of information (she was a “lifers” wife….. yahoo someone to help me, who knew the magic codes, she was fluent in Army) we talked about the experience of the “FRG” (Family Readiness Group for those who do not know) and I was floored to find out just how the rest of the families were being treated. People were told they were not welcome in the group, one person had no family here and was very alone, and this cruel rejection darn near did her in. Now I am not going to go into the whole mess but leave it that out of the over 300 families that were assigned to our group we never had more than handful of people at the meeting and near the end there were only 3 or 4 people including the leader that showed up each month.
I found this very sad, there was so much I wanted to do and be a part of here to let the unit know that not only did we support them but we were here for there families anytime they needed anything. So with the help of our Angel we started our own group (and we invited everyone to join no matter what, even the leader from the old group came and helped) we called our selves “RHSC” (Red Headed Step Children) and we did things that made me proud and I felt like I actually counted and mattered. We sent over 3000 cookies for Christmas, we sent 5000 thanksgiving cards that were made by area school children, we made trips to the VA here, and we held each other up and always had each others backs.
Many soldiers talk about the friendships they make while in a war, but we made the same connections here. I would not have made it without these friends and I will love them until the day I die, I owe them everything and no matter how many miles apart or years that go by all any of them ever have to do is to call and they know I will drop everything to be there.
So my message to all of you - is you are never alone in this and if you are in need ask. Start a small group with someone else in your area, call another group like Blue star moms (they will also help everyone not just Moms), ask at the unit headquarters; call the chaplains connected to your unit. Post a blog on this site and you will get answers. You never have to face the fears of knocks on the door, phone calls in the middle of the night or that ache in your hear that just won’t go away. Do not, and I can not say this loud enough DO NOT sit at home and get lost in the grief. We are here for you, arms wide open!
I want to thank my angel she saved us, and we saved each other. I love you my friend and am so proud to have you on my side!
Yesterday, we told my parents that my husband was deploying again. I flashed back to when our son called from Germany to tell us that his unit was going to Iraq. This was in 2003-2004, when we were still sending baby wipes because there weren’t any bases set up on Balad or Baghdad, no PX facilities, the mail took 3-4 weeks to get there! I remember sliding onto the floor and weeping uncontrollably. The call I made to his grandparents was one of the hardest things I had to do at that point and since my husband was on his way to Bosnia - well, it wasn’t the best few months of my life!
My husband, this time, went for the casual approach and it worked this time. How have you told your family, that your child is deploying down range, or did you leave it up to the child?
The Checklist - We are starting to go through the deployment checklist - ours is from experience, but there are some good sites to visit if you need them. One is at Military.com and this reservist list is a great place to start as well, as is this site called Hooah4health These all seem to be for spouses, so one of our tasks might be doing one for the Single Soldier. If you have one, that you use or have used for your single soldier, please send it along. But even if your soldier child is married, ask them if they want to send you a copy of the documents (on a disk or in a sealed envelope, privacy issues can be something a spouse might worry about) for you to keep in a safe place. Having gone through a flooded basement and since we are in the midst of hurricane season, I know how easy it is to lose important papers and have been grateful for the “spare set” we sent to the folks!
As always - remember that you are not alone in this “adventure”, and if you need a shoulder, or have any questions, we are here, we understand and there are NO dumb questions.
LAW
So it’s official. (Actually it was official a week ago, but I think I needed some time to consider what that meant.) My daughter, Sevilla, has been selected to deploy for 365 days. I’m not going to say where she’s going or what she’ll be doing, since I have no idea what is (or isn’t) covered by OPSEC (operational security, for those of you who don’t speak military acronyms). She won’t deploy for a while, so I have some time to get used to the idea; but she will deploy.
Now being who I am, I’ve already started looking at the practical impacts of her deployment. Sevilla’s a single parent, so obviously the biggest concern was her daughter. Of course, we will be ready, willing, and able to look after the Princess while her mom is serving her country. It won’t be much of a change, since the Princess lives with us anyway. She’ll attend the same school. She’ll sleep in the same bed. She’ll enhance the lives of her Grandparents; just like she does now. The only difference will be that her mom will be away for a while. I’ve already started to make plans on how to minimize the impact to the Princess. Sevilla and I have already considered a blog for the Princess (restricted to family and friends) as a way for her to post her thoughts and pictures and “stuff” in order to communicate with her mom. I also know that communication these days is quite different from when I was a kid and my dad had to rely on flimsy airmail paper and reel-to-reel tapes to communicate with his family. With the internet, email, webcams, and telephones, it should be fairly easy for Sevilla to keep in touch with the Princess. I also know, though, that it’s not the same and that my husband and I will have to try to fill a place in the Princess’ life that can be filled by only her mother. From the practical side, it will be tough; but thousands of kids, mothers, and grandparents have already dealt with a deployed parent and survived. We will, too.
Being who I am, I’m having a lot more trouble dealing with the “inside” impact. I’m not sure why. After all, my husband and my son have already deployed, and I was able to deal with their deployment (eventually). I know that I am proud of her and her choice to serve. I know that I think she’s doing the right thing for the right reasons. I know that I envy her the chance to do something that both of us consider very important. What I don’t know is how I really “feel” about it. For some reason, I seem to have decided not to feel. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is because there is still some time before she actually leaves. Perhaps it is because I know it will be difficult for me. All I know is that I don’t want to “feel” anything about Sevilla deploying to a dangerous place until I have to. Is it a defense mechanism? Maybe. I just know that when I do allow myself to “feel,” those feelings will be extremely complex and will cover a wide-range of emotions. In the meantime, I’ll continue to plan for the practical “outside” aspects of Sevilla’s deployment and try to let the “inside” aspects sort themselves out. I’ve was able to do it when I watched my son go off to war. I can do it again as I prepare for my daughter to do the same.
I remember, while either of my soldiers was deployed, wondering what they were doing. Like most of us, I used to look at my watch and figure out the time wherever they were. At the time, I wasn’t blogging - while our son was in Baghdad I was only up to emailing, hadn’t discovered the blogosphere. Anyway - I always wondered what he or his dad were doing (dad was in Bosnia). Weekends were harder, I didn’t have work/school to think about - ok, so I was avoiding homework! - and I kept hoping for calls.
How about you? How are you coping with wondering? Let us know, Let other parents know any good coping mechanisms!
LAW
365 days after I stood at Fort Benning and hugged my son and his buddies as they deployed to Iraq, I wrote about what it was like to live “here” while part of our heart was “there”. When our son deployed, we had been told to plan for an 18-month deployment, but if they were home in 15 months it would be a gift. They came home from that deployment in 12 months – which was a miracle in my book; my son’s unit just returned from another deployment – one that lasted 15 months.
I came to the conclusion back then that when you have someone deployed, you live in two worlds: “This” world and “That” world. I know those without someone in the military will empathize, but unless you have been through it, you can never fully appreciate how invasive this living between these worlds can be. If you are here getting yourself geared up for a child’s (or spouse’s) deployment, here’s what you can expect.
In This World, everything goes on as normal. You go to work (for those that work), do the laundry, clean the house, pay the bills…? You know — all the things “normal” people do.
But we’re not normal. We also live in That World — the world where the telephone ringing in the middle of the night is normal ’cause it’s morning over there. The world where news is everything and vague reports of improvised explosive devices can raise your heart rate 10 beats a minute and unconfirmed reports of soldiers’ deaths can cause you to inhale involuntarily. The world that can fall apart in an instant when the caller ID says it’s Fort XXX or there’s a knock at the door and the chaplain is standing there.
In This World, holidays are a day off or a reason to shop. In That World, holidays are markers of time passing… merely milestones until homecoming. First we got through Valentine’s Day,? then Easter (telling ourselves that they’ll be home next Easter), then Memorial Day (oh how we’ll celebrate next Memorial Day!), Independence Day (we’ll have the best barbecue next 4th!), Labor Day, Columbus Day…? just marking time in That World… the World where you live between goodbyes and hellos until it’s goodbyes again.
In This World, birthdays and anniversaries, the births of children, the marriages of friends and family are celebrated with a degree of sadness because your soldier is not here… your soldier is in harm’s way. Can you ever truly celebrate in This World when your heart is mostly in That World? We do but only because we are forced to live in This and That World.
We live in This World where the ringing phone is just a ringing phone — an annoyance, an interruption… but we are forced to also live in That World where we curse because the phone does not ring often enough or can bring unhappy news… where 21st century technology is a tether to That World but which we curse in blackout or busy times when we are plunged into unwanted silence.
In This World, shopping is a normal every day activity, but because we also live in That World, it is a lifeline to our soldier: shopping for the things they need… the things they like…? the things that tie them to home — to us…? tie them to This World… but where in That World — their World — soft toilet paper, cigarettes or their favorite salsa may be more priceless than gold.
In This World there are 24 hours in a day, but because we also live in That World, we live a parallel 24. As we progress through our days in This World, we are calculating the time in That World and conjuring up pictures of what our soldier is doing at that moment. When we eat we wonder what they ate today or if they had a hot meal at all...? when we shower we wonder if they had a hot water shower or whether it was a water bottle rinse off…? we wonder if they got our mail… and we wonder if there are others who got any mail at all.
In This World, “Where did the time go?” is a simple phrase. In That World, it is a blessing that the hour or day went quickly because in That World time passes excruciatingly slow –? especially those last few days until that plane touches down and the senior officer yells, “Dismissed!”
In This World, you are brave, tough, and supportive and you dare not admit to many that in That World you are also weary, frightened, worried sick and lonesome for your soldier and sometimes you cry about it for him and for you.
In This World, you smile politely when someone asks about the yellow ribbon pin or the purple “For Those Who Serve“ bracelet you wear… and you smile broadly when they ask you to thank your soldier for their service in That World.
In This World you wonder why people clap when some brainless actor or politician says hurtful things about the War or our military efforts while your soldier fights nobly in That World for their right to say it.
In This World you find that you talk back to the television a lot and that you stop watching or listening to most politicians and clueless celebrities who can’t seem to put aside their partisanship long enough to see the effect some of their mindless statements have on those that live in That World and are fighting a war.
In This World you wouldn’t dream of challenging someone demanding that we cut and run, but because we also live in That World, we have no qualms about telling them that they don’t know their butt from an indentation in the Earth’s surface and thoughtfully answer all their rote mumblings about oil, lies, wealth, WMD — and when they spout “We support the troops” — we don’t hesitate to ask them to prove it!
Before my son’s deployment, I thought that once our son — once Our Guys (my adopted sons in my son’s former unit) — were home, I would return to living in just one world — This World. However, now that these two most recent deployments are over, I realize that a part of me will always live between the two worlds. That World is now an integral part of This World for me… as it is for many others parents and spouses and aunts, uncles, sons and daughters.
In This World, your friends are those you know in your neighborhood and from the PTA or Lions Club meetings. For the families of those deployed, our friends in This World include everyone that understands all too well That World: friends who are serving, those who have served, the families of those who are deployed, have been deployed or are deploying and the people that really do support them… always ready with a helping hand, an encouraging word, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold in good times and bad. That World is a big world inhabited by a large family of which I am proud to be a member and for which I will forever be grateful.
Copyright Some Soldier’s Mom 2006 and 2008. All rights reserved.
The Military Health System (MHS) recently launched a weekly Internet radio show on BlogTalkRadio. Hosted by the Department of Defense, “Dot-Mil-Docs” now broadcasts at Blog Talk Radio every Thursday at 3 p.m. (EST).
MHS topics on Dot-Mil-Docs will range from advances in medical research to traumatic brain injury, suicide, and adjustment from deployment.
To tune in to this informative new program and to set a reminder for the show, please visit the Dot-Mil-Docs webpage. Future programs will also offer an opportunity for listeners to call and ask questions.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stations/PentagonRadioNetwork/Dot-Mil-Docs
